A woman close to our family just broke up with her boyfriend. They’d dated for at least a year, maybe two. I didn’t keep track of those details. She’s heartbroken. They lived together, and it was probably the most functional relationship she’d ever had. We were doing our best to love on them and be light to them, so we never made an issue of their lifestyle choice.
Now she has to find a place to live. She just started a new job last week, and it’s far away. She’ll probably move in with a relative for a week or more while she hunts for an apartment and maybe a roommate.
Obviously, she talked about the breakup with my wife, and not me. I was very proud of my wife and how she handled the conversation. I walked through the room a few times while they were on the phone, and heard the tone in her voice and knew how she was posturing herself to listen and support.
I was surprised to hear afterward that during the breakup, this woman’s soon-to-be ex-boyfriend suggested that perhaps she needed to find someone more like me. Do what?!?!? That’s a first, let me tell you. This is a guy who’s always seemed more concerned about his own job and interests than mine. When we’d get together as couples, I was always the one asking about his job and interests, showing interest in him and the things he cared about. He never asked much about me. And yet he had the presence of mind to tell his girlfriend that she needed a guy more like me.
Why are guys such dumbasses? Pardon my French, but seriously… what’s the deal? If he respected something about me, why not say it or at least show it? Why always act with disregard toward me? He wasn’t overtly rude, just focused on himself. And apparently, he was watching me, or noticing something about me.
It makes me sad. Their relationship is probably over. He has potential. She has potential. But there’s no one feeding them spiritually or emotionally or relationally. They, like most couples everywhere, were an island unto themselves. They depended on each other too much and had no one in authority above them or even someone who would hold them accountable.
I really think this guy could be an awesome husband and father some day. He just needs someone to show him how. Someone to show him what it means to be a man… what it means to be a man in a committed relationship… what it means to shepherd a woman with love, tenderness, and strength.
I’m no expert. I had some great principles instilled in me by my father. Other than that, I’ve learned by screwing up and trying again. That’s my modus operandi. Screw up, try another method. Screw up, say it a different way. Screw up; focus more on her heart. You get the picture. I disappoint my wife weekly, if not three or four times a week. But she sees me work HARD to find another way to bridge the gap when we’re distant. She sees me ache over wanting to give her good gifts. She sees me ache over her disappointments. She sees me never give up.
You don’t have to do it right. You have to care. You have to care enough to problem solve, to get outside help, to admit when you’re wrong, and to stay silent when you know you don’t have the right thing to say.
There’s a lot more to say on relationships, which we’ll cover in future posts. Tell me your thoughts.
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