There are moments in the week when you say or do something hurtful. Your wife is wounded. She’s angry. She isolates herself and doesn’t want to be near you.
Happens to me at least once a month like clockwork. I don’t intend it to happen, but we’re human. What else can be said but that? She is who she is and I am who I am and we don’t see eye to eye on everything.
For example. Today I was sitting down to have lunch with my family. My wife is rocking the baby in the other room. She comes into the living room and says, “Would you go get the swing out of the garage and bring it in here so I can join all of you?” That’s about it.
Here’s the context. Our daughter has historically hated that baby swing. Why else would it be in the garage? It’s there waiting for baby #2, in case he/she likes it. But baby #1 most decidedly has not approved. My wife has even told me how she wishes she had a better swing that allowed for the baby to sit up rather than recline only.
So that’s going through my head. What I heard her say was more like this: “Honey, I have a wild hair that for the first time ever, our daughter will enjoy that baby swing if you bring it into our already cluttered living room. If you would go get it and bring it in here, she’ll be able to continue swinging while I eat lunch.”
I was irritated very quickly. What else was I supposed to feel? Go to the trouble of dragging that stupid swing chair into the living room where there’s already not enough room to move around? Seriously? I asked her where exactly I was supposed to put it, implying that there was no room. Her response was not to offer a solution. No! Her response was just to tell me how she wanted to join us in the living room.
Point #1 I didn’t see any reason why she couldn’t come into the living room and join us as is. The baby could be held by any one of us while she ate. But Nooo! She had to have another piece of useless furniture brought in so she could have it the way she wanted it!
So be it. I reluctantly and irritatedly went out to the garage to retrieve the beastly thing. After stepping on a jagged crow bar with my bare feet and cursing more than once, I made it to the living room with the swing.
Turns out the baby enjoyed the swing, because I found a way to adjust the seat to an upright position.
What’s my point? Well, later in the day, my wife told me that I had hurt her feelings by my harsh reaction. My tone and my attitude were insulting. And she was right. I was wrong. I didn’t immediately apologize, and her heart closed off from me. I missed the window of opportunity to show her that I care. I didn’t mean to not apologize. I was still irritated and working through my emotions. Eventually, I apologized, but by then she didn’t believe I was sincere. She needed to know instantly that my heart was responsive to hers. And it wasn’t. For whatever reason, it wasn’t.
I have my reasons. I’m still mulling over thoughts I can’t share or say. I have battles raging inside me each day that I no longer feel at liberty to disclose. And during the middle of all this, I was reeling from some feelings that had me lost and dumbfounded.
She doesn’t know what I feel. I don’t tell her. Finding the place to draw the line is important. I no longer share with her my hopelessness and malaise. I face it, smile, and keep going. I am blessed, and going to be blessed even more.
Some posts don’t have a wonderful wrap up. This is one of those. I hurt because she doesn’t feel loved. I failed. But I also hurt because I was already hurting. And that’s as far as I’m willing to discuss it.
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