Watching the movie, Breach, I realized that I do some things right that other husbands don’t. We all fight and argue… that’s a given. But what isn’t given is how we handle the aftermath. What shocks me is that there are men out there who will yell and say all sorts of hurtful things and then walk away and leave the mess. Maybe it’s just a momentary flare up. Maybe it’s cold and calculated avoidance. Whatever the case, I see men treat their wives with indifference.
It’s not in my blood. Sure, there are times when we’ve fought for so long without resolve that I feel spent and unable to care about her feelings. I have those moments. But all it takes is one tear. All I have to see is her hurt and weeping and every defense I’ve constructed melts away. I see her in her weakness and I feel like a monster for hurting her. I feel condemned for being careless, blundering, and insensitive.
All it takes is a tear, running down her cheek, or that sob that says “my world is crumbling”. I forget how tender her heart is. I forget how real she is until that moment. Then my heart comes rushing back to me, screaming that I cannot leave this wound untended. I must touch her heart. I must. She is my responsibility. Her heart is my responsibility.
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While I can claim to be a good husband, I also know that I am a bad person. I am innately self-centered. It takes tears to get me to act with kindness. While this may be better than some, I don’t feel like a good person based upon my peers. I measure myself to the standard set by God’s word, or at least my understanding of it.
I have said some of the most cruel things you can say to another person. I have looked at my wife in the middle of a brutal argument and felt completely justified in insulting her with hatred oozing from my voice.
My wounds run deep. We hurt the ones we love the most. You can’t get close to my heart without suffering a little of what eats at me on the inside. My wife knows that, and she dances on tiptoe around some of my deepest cuts.
The point is, I call myself a good husband in contrast to other men my age. But when I examine myself, and look at the cruel and merciless way I have verbally abused my wife during heated arguments, I feel shame. Deep shame. Every wound I have caused marks me with greater shame. I want to be a healer. I want to become a better person.
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You have brought tears to my eyes but they are happy tears because I see some similarities in what you have said. I am the eternal optimist when it comes to love and just when I say I have had enough, I am able to rally for just one more round. My partner has many of the same ways of being as you do but he has shown such willingness and ability to change, that I am willing to see things through ’till the finish. All it takes is desire to change and you will change. You will be the better person you want to be…just by asking for it, you are halfway there.
January 27th, 2008Add a comment