It’s easy to blog myself into pointlessness. Easy to forget who I am, where I come from, or why I do what I do.
I think about the me before the big professional push. The me that wrote prose and poetry. The me that was deeply moody, confrontational, and arrogant. I was unpleasant in many ways. But I was me. I felt what I felt. I didn’t pretend. I refused to acquiesce to political correctness.
I was harder to deal with. My girlfriend (now wife) was constantly arguing with me. I was right and everyone else just failed to appreciate the greatness that I had the potential to become.
Is that what this is? Is this the becoming? Is this me becoming great? Because it feels like the opposite. This is me becoming irrelevant. This is me selling my soul. This is me forgetting who I am, and why I care about making a name for myself in an industry I don’t love.
Answer? Because this is the industry I’m in… and because I want desperately to fit in. More terrifying than working for an industry I don’t love is living a life of complete insignificance. How anyone does it, I don’t know.
I find more satisfaction from writing in my journal than in all the blogs I contribute to on a weekly basis. But still I come back for more. Why? Because if it doesn’t happen in public, it doesn’t count. Those are words that will haunt me some day if I don’t somehow change my belief. That statement in italics does NOT agree with Scripture, where Jesus said that anything we do good in secret will be rewarded in heaven. Of course, that statement only affects how you will live tomorrow if you have a sound revelation of heaven’s reality.
I take the position that at some points in life, you can’t force yourself to believe or to understand certain truths. So I decide that only God in his infinite wisdom and perfect timing will reintroduce ____ truth to me at a later date when whatever was necessary has taken place so that I could then accept and believe that truth. It removes a burden of responsibility from my shoulders that rendered me powerless before. So I am free to say that right now I believe that I set up my own future success by prominently displaying my name and abilities. If I come to learn a different truth in the future, I will recant this statement and hopefully be better off for it. In the meantime, I can either feel guilty for obviously not believing the truth, or I can extend myself some grace and allow myself to be human and to grow naturally.
That looks like rambling now. Time to close.
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