Maybe it’s a mood swing. Maybe it’s the comedown from caffeine. Maybe it’s the fact that my wife and I aren’t getting along. Whatever the case, I am second guessing everything. From career to blogs to the way I approach money.
I’m not happy. That’s no secret. I have been pushing myself mentally for months now to assume the mentality of an overachiever. I’ve been positioning myself to accomplish certain financial goals. And somewhere along the line, I became dependent upon my strategies for success to make me feel better as a person.
Even when nothing was happening, I could do a few searches online or read a blog and I’d feel inspired to keep dreaming and hoping and planning for the future. That future where I make ridiculously good money for doing exactly what I love where I still have time for family, friends, and hobbies.
But that’s not who I am. Not yet. For now, I’m the guy who obsesses about one thing or another in order to pass the time. All the dreams and hopes start to seem silly when I feel this way. Will I ever reach the point of satisfaction? Will I ever be able to relax?
You see, I gauge success by only one factor: the ability to relax and rest. It may sound silly to some of you, but it is literally the most difficult thing in the world for me to do. Sure, I could “rest” all I wanted when I was a smoker. But I wasn’t really resting. I was hiding behind a cigarette from the world. It was my comforter - my 24/7 lifeline.
Since then, I’ve rediscovered my restlessness. I was a panicky individual at the age of 19… six months to a year after I quit smoking the first time. Though I’ve gone through countless mood swings and rages, I was never very panicky for the next nine years after I began smoking again. Here I am, a non-smoker, and the panic returns.
I’ve been avoiding this for years. But here I am, without a decent vice, and all I can realize is that I am not comfortable with who I am, with what I have accomplished, or with the direction of my life. I am not able to rest without obsessions, because I feel like a failure. I haven’t done enough. Not yet. And that “not enough” makes me angry, scared, and tired.
There’s a “something” out there I am afraid to face. Without burying my sorrows in a latte or the Internet, how do I cope? How do I face the reality that I have done nothing significant with my life yet? I’m referring to gifts and talents and callings here. I am referring to purpose. Sure, I can do better at being a good husband. My wife will more than agree to that right now. But every husband should be a good husband.
What about the things that make me uniquely me? Are those developing? Am I really growing, or merely distracting myself? I wish I could gauge these things accurately. For now, I ask God these questions and listen for an answer.
Popularity: 3% [?]
0 comments so far
Add a comment