It’s the question I keep asking myself over and over again these past few days. As the job hunt continues, I keep feeling this check in my spirit. I feel the need to ask myself: do I really trust God? The answer is decidedly no.
I want to find the balance between personal responsibility and resting in his arms. I could go to one extreme or the other. I could stop looking for a job and stop pushing forward and simply lean on him and expect him to meet my needs. I could also keep pushing as hard as possible until someone offers me a position. But neither of those options feels right to me. There is a balance in the middle.
I close my eyes, time after time, and ask myself: “Am I leaning on God? Am I resting all my weight on him?” The answer is no. He told me to renew my mind, and what have I done? I’ve practically lived on job posting websites, trying to force the next thing. It works for some, but not for me.
God has told me over and over again that he has a plan. Placing my whole family in his hands and trusting him to provide has been hard. I fear that he won’t have the same priorities as me. That he will want me to go through poverty to learn some lesson first. You know how it is. Whenever something bad happens, you automatically find yourself wondering how God could let that happen and why. You doubt whether he is truly good, and if his version of goodness matches your definition.
It’s proving ground time. God wants my heart. This is what I tell myself. He wants my heart, and he wants my trust. He wants my confidence. That point where everything else fades into the background and my eyes gaze and focus on him. In that place, where I see him and trust him completely, I am free. When I get there, that is.
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