Last night I had another bad fight with my wife. And when I say fight, I mean argument with yelling and saying things I always regret. This time, she was just trying to express how uncomfortable she is with the harsh bitterness that has been congealing on my insides. Some bad experiences at work left me feeling completely misunderstood, unjustly judged, and full of bitter resentment.
Rather than washing my hands of the whole affair and quitting, I stayed because it is an easy job and I still like a couple of the people I work with. I should have chosen to monitor my attitude if I was going to stay. As it is, I have contributed to this festering sore within our company. Three of us go to lunch everyday and bitch and moan about how stupid or incompetent somebody else in the company is. It is a horrible though effective way to bond.
Through my poor choices, I have become more bitter and judgmental. My wife hears all my stories and complaints. I feel justified in saying these things because of how these people have wronged me. But I am not happy. I had chained myself to this company through my bitter root of unforgiveness. And that’s not what I want. I want to be free of this place.
For me, the hardest part about working for a small start up is the attachment and dependence that can develop. I have old friends I don’t see very much, yet I act like my coworkers opinions are more important than anyone else’s.
Last night, I threw the remote control across the room and broke it. It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized how her words exposed how ashamed I am of my behavior and how helpless I feel to change.
We talked it out. We cried together. I put my hand on her belly and apologized to our baby for the hurtful things I said and for the way I caused mommy to hurt so bad. It kills me to think that my baby experiences fear, insecurity, rejection, and abandonment when I get angry and lose control. Not to mention how it feels to know that I willingly verbally abuse my precious wife - my partner for life.
She is so precious, and I fail to see that during conflict. I am cruel and vicious. Whenever I have felt abandoned, attacked, or rejected, all bets are off.
My attitude must change. I must adapt and return to a positive, well-wishing mentality. My coworkers/friends who have been my partners in crime may reject me when I choose not to be bitter. That will cause friction. They won’t understand. They’ll think I suddenly think I am better than them. They will judge me too. That’s the problem with bitterness. The only people safe are the ones who play the same game.
I was me before this job and before these people. These people are important to me. I care about them. But they will not determine my life. They’ll go their own ways and so will I.
Be true to your self, your spouse, your family, and your faith. We’ll all be okay as long as we push through the hard times.
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Watching the movie, Breach, I realized that I do some things right that other husbands don’t. We all fight and argue… that’s a given. But what isn’t given is how we handle the aftermath. What shocks me is that there are men out there who will yell and say all sorts of hurtful things and then walk away and leave the mess. Maybe it’s just a momentary flare up. Maybe it’s cold and calculated avoidance. Whatever the case, I see men treat their wives with indifference.
It’s not in my blood. Sure, there are times when we’ve fought for so long without resolve that I feel spent and unable to care about her feelings. I have those moments. But all it takes is one tear. All I have to see is her hurt and weeping and every defense I’ve constructed melts away. I see her in her weakness and I feel like a monster for hurting her. I feel condemned for being careless, blundering, and insensitive.
All it takes is a tear, running down her cheek, or that sob that says “my world is crumbling”. I forget how tender her heart is. I forget how real she is until that moment. Then my heart comes rushing back to me, screaming that I cannot leave this wound untended. I must touch her heart. I must. She is my responsibility. Her heart is my responsibility.
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While I can claim to be a good husband, I also know that I am a bad person. I am innately self-centered. It takes tears to get me to act with kindness. While this may be better than some, I don’t feel like a good person based upon my peers. I measure myself to the standard set by God’s word, or at least my understanding of it.
I have said some of the most cruel things you can say to another person. I have looked at my wife in the middle of a brutal argument and felt completely justified in insulting her with hatred oozing from my voice.
My wounds run deep. We hurt the ones we love the most. You can’t get close to my heart without suffering a little of what eats at me on the inside. My wife knows that, and she dances on tiptoe around some of my deepest cuts.
The point is, I call myself a good husband in contrast to other men my age. But when I examine myself, and look at the cruel and merciless way I have verbally abused my wife during heated arguments, I feel shame. Deep shame. Every wound I have caused marks me with greater shame. I want to be a healer. I want to become a better person.
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Today, I suffered a major panic attack - 7.5 on the Richter scale. My project is due on Monday. It’s a very detailed report on a client’s destined to fail business model. I’ve had one week to write and research the necessary info because my coworkers dropped the ball on the research side.
I’ve put in 55 hours this week and would have rounded that up to 65+ had I not just had a major argument with my wife. She can’t stand it when I ignore her for the Web. I don’t mean too, and honestly, I don’t even know that I do ignore her. But I do often run to the Web for a little blog reading or writing to pass the time when bored.
She’s right: I could choose to find more creative things to do with my time in the real world. What can I say? The real world isn’t so hot in my experience. A bunch of people doing and saying stupid things. That’s what’s so great about the Web. It is a more equal playing field. Any decent communicator can become a star given the right setting and circumstances.
I am so taken by the possibilities. If America is the land of opportunity, the Web is the land of uber-opportunity. You can make tons of money, build a loyal readership, get famous, or really screw with stupid people all day long.
Blogs, social networking sites, forums, chat rooms, bulletin boards, etc. There’s so much opportunity for a person’s voice to be heard. I don’t even visit chat rooms or bulletin boards, and I rarely touch a forum. When my wife describes her plight, I feel ridiculous about caring so much about Web stuff.
But then I get back online, and I’m hooked. I totally love it here. And have the right notebook computer really enhances the whole process. Nothing like tapping away on an awesome keyboard.
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Tonight I feared that my wife would never come home. She left for a meeting at 6pm and should have been back by 8:30 at the latest. When 9pm rolled around, my mind started playing tricks on me. I thought of my best friend, whose wife died suddenly one day in her bed at the age of 25. There was no warning. Just one day, she was gone. He was left to raise two boys on his own. The fear in his voice when he called me that day was so strong, it overpowered me.
Ever since that day, I have known that sudden loss is possible. I was engaged when his wife died. My wife and I married two months after. My best friend was unable to attend. He was in the biggest downward spiral of his life. Had it not been for his two boys, he might not have chosen to survive.
I’m sitting here now, relieved and calm. She walked through the door at 9:55pm, and had a wonderful time at a women’s event at church. My life as I know it is not over. That sick, demented portion of my heart will have to wait for another day to drown in misery. For now, I’m just glad to not be alone.
She is everything to me. She is home. She, my unborn child, and my cat. The three of them form the center of my universe. Sure, I have extended family nearby, but they have their own lives to live. They are not a part of my core unit. I am deeply tied to my wife. If anything happens to her, my life will implode.
Thank you, God, for bringing home my wife. She is everything to me.
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I’m in the middle of hardship. A year and a half ago, my wife and I invested the majority of her inheritance in a business venture with a friend. I’ve known this guy for 12 years. He has always been a man of his word, as far as I’ve seen. There are flaws, of course. He loves to spend. He loves the high life.
We had successfully done a deal or two with him already, which built our confidence in him. Then a big deal came up with the opportunity for a huge return. We jumped into it without pausing to really consider. Needless to say, he was talking about bankruptcy seven months later.
Today, we’re still wondering if he will be a man of his word and pay us back. Legally, he doesn’t owe us anything. But my wife has agonized over the loss of her inheritance, and I feel this burden on my shoulders to find a better job, make more money, and compensate for this other guy’s failure. Truthfully, he will probably pay us back over time. It’s not lost money. Just lost investment time.
I have so many mixed emotions. I get so angry I want to punch him. Then I get so anxious, I worry that my wife blames me.
I just hope that someday I will be writing a post called “The Blessings of Mixing Business and Friendship.”
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