A woman close to our family just broke up with her boyfriend. They’d dated for at least a year, maybe two. I didn’t keep track of those details. She’s heartbroken. They lived together, and it was probably the most functional relationship she’d ever had. We were doing our best to love on them and be light to them, so we never made an issue of their lifestyle choice.

Now she has to find a place to live. She just started a new job last week, and it’s far away. She’ll probably move in with a relative for a week or more while she hunts for an apartment and maybe a roommate.

Obviously, she talked about the breakup with my wife, and not me. I was very proud of my wife and how she handled the conversation. I walked through the room a few times while they were on the phone, and heard the tone in her voice and knew how she was posturing herself to listen and support.

I was surprised to hear afterward that during the breakup, this woman’s soon-to-be ex-boyfriend suggested that perhaps she needed to find someone more like me. Do what?!?!? That’s a first, let me tell you. This is a guy who’s always seemed more concerned about his own job and interests than mine. When we’d get together as couples, I was always the one asking about his job and interests, showing interest in him and the things he cared about. He never asked much about me. And yet he had the presence of mind to tell his girlfriend that she needed a guy more like me.

Why are guys such dumbasses? Pardon my French, but seriously… what’s the deal? If he respected something about me, why not say it or at least show it? Why always act with disregard toward me? He wasn’t overtly rude, just focused on himself. And apparently, he was watching me, or noticing something about me.

It makes me sad. Their relationship is probably over. He has potential. She has potential. But there’s no one feeding them spiritually or emotionally or relationally. They, like most couples everywhere, were an island unto themselves. They depended on each other too much and had no one in authority above them or even someone who would hold them accountable.

I really think this guy could be an awesome husband and father some day. He just needs someone to show him how. Someone to show him what it means to be a man… what it means to be a man in a committed relationship… what it means to shepherd a woman with love, tenderness, and strength.

I’m no expert. I had some great principles instilled in me by my father. Other than that, I’ve learned by screwing up and trying again. That’s my modus operandi. Screw up, try another method. Screw up, say it a different way. Screw up; focus more on her heart. You get the picture. I disappoint my wife weekly, if not three or four times a week. But she sees me work HARD to find another way to bridge the gap when we’re distant. She sees me ache over wanting to give her good gifts. She sees me ache over her disappointments. She sees me never give up.

You don’t have to do it right. You have to care. You have to care enough to problem solve, to get outside help, to admit when you’re wrong, and to stay silent when you know you don’t have the right thing to say.

There’s a lot more to say on relationships, which we’ll cover in future posts. Tell me your thoughts.

My wife is very pregnant right now. We’re going through these self-hypnosis exercises to help her mind and body remain calm. Tonight, her restless leg kept her from being able to focus. Yesterday she felt ill after laying on her back for a while. She lay in bed, the frustration building in her face, and I wanted so badly to take away her pain.

Each time she hurts and I see her in this vulnerable position, I look into her eyes and feel the pain of separation. I can’t reach her in that moment. She cannot feel my love. She does not know how much she means to me. She does not feel the amazement I know when I look at her soft cheek and kiss the top of her head.

I am convinced that there is a better way to connect. Perhaps if I deal with some of my issues, I will then exude the connective force needed to let her know. Maybe then she’ll feel safe enough to breathe deep and let go of all the things she clings to for a sense of structure and order in the world.

It’s after 11pm. My wife and I just finished talking. An argument began at 5pm this afternoon. Seriously.

I’m wiped. I have nothing left to say. We have agreed that we need to practice a better method of argument. She and her mom are able to talk through things much more effectively than she and I do. Before you go thinking that it’s because I’m a man, just stop. That’s not it. It’s because we haven’t established the same level of trust.

You’d think that a husband and wife would trust each other if they’re willing to commit their entire lives to each other. Not so. Trust is earned and given carefully. It is easily lost and difficult to regain. Marriage brings out the passionate stuff in our lives that can break a relationship if not handled well. We have not handled most of our arguments well, and we’ve consequently set our relationship on the path of creating a pattern. And patterns are difficult to break.

Luckily, we were both exhausted, and willing to finally cut to the chase. We have further to go, but we’ve taken an important step.

Now if I can only get her to enjoy life enough that the weekend isn’t pressured by the need to be spectacularly significant in order to justify its existence.

Twice this week, we have argued over next to nothing. The first time was really bad, and it broke my heart to see her cry. Something clicks on the inside when tears form on her face and she lets herself go with an abandoned sob. I realize I have been cruel. I realize that my words are powerful, and that they have been used to attack far too often.

I see her lying on the bed, sobbing, and all I can do is feel irreparably tainted. Why can I not stop before I start and refuse to injure such a lovely woman? Why can I not sense her frailty and vulnerability and seek to protect it?

Then there are times like today when she misunderstands me and takes offense to something I did not intend. No matter how hard I try to explain, she can only hear the voice of extreme criticism. It is years of negativity which build a solid expectation of character. Had my words taken on a more positive and life giving force as a general rule, she would have learned to expect praise rather than insult.

I love my wife. My wounds have caused her pain far too often.

Last night I had another bad fight with my wife. And when I say fight, I mean argument with yelling and saying things I always regret. This time, she was just trying to express how uncomfortable she is with the harsh bitterness that has been congealing on my insides. Some bad experiences at work left me feeling completely misunderstood, unjustly judged, and full of bitter resentment.

Rather than washing my hands of the whole affair and quitting, I stayed because it is an easy job and I still like a couple of the people I work with. I should have chosen to monitor my attitude if I was going to stay. As it is, I have contributed to this festering sore within our company. Three of us go to lunch everyday and bitch and moan about how stupid or incompetent somebody else in the company is. It is a horrible though effective way to bond.

Through my poor choices, I have become more bitter and judgmental. My wife hears all my stories and complaints. I feel justified in saying these things because of how these people have wronged me. But I am not happy. I had chained myself to this company through my bitter root of unforgiveness. And that’s not what I want. I want to be free of this place.

For me, the hardest part about working for a small start up is the attachment and dependence that can develop. I have old friends I don’t see very much, yet I act like my coworkers opinions are more important than anyone else’s.

Last night, I threw the remote control across the room and broke it. It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized how her words exposed how ashamed I am of my behavior and how helpless I feel to change.

We talked it out. We cried together. I put my hand on her belly and apologized to our baby for the hurtful things I said and for the way I caused mommy to hurt so bad. It kills me to think that my baby experiences fear, insecurity, rejection, and abandonment when I get angry and lose control. Not to mention how it feels to know that I willingly verbally abuse my precious wife - my partner for life.

She is so precious, and I fail to see that during conflict. I am cruel and vicious. Whenever I have felt abandoned, attacked, or rejected, all bets are off.

My attitude must change. I must adapt and return to a positive, well-wishing mentality. My coworkers/friends who have been my partners in crime may reject me when I choose not to be bitter. That will cause friction. They won’t understand. They’ll think I suddenly think I am better than them. They will judge me too. That’s the problem with bitterness. The only people safe are the ones who play the same game.

I was me before this job and before these people. These people are important to me. I care about them. But they will not determine my life. They’ll go their own ways and so will I.

Be true to your self, your spouse, your family, and your faith. We’ll all be okay as long as we push through the hard times.