I spent ten years despising teenagers. I resented them for being so careless and unpredictable. In truth, they are some of the most dangerous people in society because they are prone to act based on intense emotion rather than logic, and their emotions are charged with caffeine, ginseng, tons of sugar, sexual tension, drugs, etc. I don’t trust them. Honestly, I never trusted them even when I was one of them. I didn’t fit. Of course, I hung out with the ones who tested all the limits. Maybe that had something to do with it.

I wouldn’t call myself a kid person. I mean, I worked with a LOT of kids at a daycare for a couple years and enjoyed most of it. I enjoyed the interaction - the questions, jokes, funny faces, and laughter. But outside of the job, I never paid much attention to kids. Reason? I couldn’t see what was in it for me.

Kids need things. They don’t offer much, except for some love and loyalty. On the downside, they need food, shelter, education, discipline, entertainment, intimacy, friendship, and encouragement. That’s a lot of stuff. Stuff that takes time and energy and offers very little back in return.

But I went to the gym tonight. I went to play basketball, but there weren’t enough guys to play. I practiced my shot for a solid 20 minutes before leaving. While I was shooting around, I watched this guy play with his kid. I don’t like this guy. He’s an adult child. He throws fits over everything. He’s 6′6″, black, mid to late 20s, and he’s got a major chip on his shoulder.

Today was different, though. I saw him line his son up against the wall and then bounce a tiny basketball to him. He was teaching his son to step in front of the ball and catch it. His son was maybe three years old (and did I mention adorable?) I wasn’t moved by the father’s behavior, although it was uncharaceristicly fatherly of him. Then I looked at his son. His eyes were SO wide. HUGE. He was SO EXCITED about playing with his dad. He looked at his dad with all the admiration in the world. His dad was god. His dad was the be-all end-all of existence. The sheer innocence of his trust and enjoyment of his father moved my heart.

I was petrified and awed at the same time. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks: I will be everything to my child and have the power to crush or create with him or her. The power and responsibility became more real to me. I haven’t even met my child yet, and I feel this weight of responsibility overpowering me. How can I ever take care of this child without hurting it?

I’m two months away from meeting my child. Don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. Won’t know until the birth day. But even now, it’s like pregnancy flipped this switch and I now notice things I’ve never noticed before. And I feel things more powerfully than ever. Being a father is an AWESOME thing. And by awesome I mean awe-filled and amazing and terrible.

I have a hard time imagining my child without the kinds of attitudes that come with pain. Thoughts of wide-eyed innocence seem false and manufactured, mostly because I don’t recall that part of life. Logically, I want that innocence and joy for my children, even though I cannot recall or imagine what it feels like.

Having a child on the way stirs up a lot of things. Things we often hide under the rug while we go about being functional adults. But a child demands more. A child needs to be taken care of. And I must somehow find a way to meet my baby’s needs.

It’s easy to say that in public, because we are all motivated to save face in public and we also may feel tempted to convince ourselves of our own happiness. I had serious doubts along the way. We fought like cats and dogs (and NOT in the cute cartoon sense). We had more than our share of insults and yelling and storming out and door slamming and cursing. It sounds extreme to some and lame to others, but it’s true regardless.

I stuck with her in college because I saw potential. She had plenty of severe issues, but nothing that a solid loving relationship couldn’t fix… or so I believed.

Here we are, five months into our first pregnancy, and she is blossoming into the woman I always dreamed of. Those soft and tender, motherly instincts are taking over. As time goes by, we both push to grow and mature and to love each other more unselfishly than before.

Tonight, when I came home from work, she met me on the doorstep. Her eyes were bright and her smile was sincere. She was genuinely happy to see me. This appears to be a growing trend with her. Perhaps there is a bit of “absence makes the heart grow fonder” at play here. I have been working a lot lately. But rather than grow cold from distance, she has developed a deeper appreciation for me.

Every time I look into her face, I see someone I am grateful to know. Someone who makes me feel lucky. Someone I never grow tired of talking to. Someone I will know better with ever new year.

It sounds cheesy, I know. But when the woman you love is supporting the growth of your firstborn child, she takes on a whole new magic and mystery.

Call it my morbid side, if that makes you feel better. But I think of the firstborn child my wife and I will soon introduce to the world, and I can’t help but think about the tragedy I am responsible for. I will be responsible for all the ugliness this child experiences in his or her lifetime. Without my desire, this child wouldn’t exist. I have willingly participated in bringing a life into a dark world.

I think about this because I spent years resenting that I was ever born. It wasn’t an option for me. I had no choice in the matter. Couples randomly decide to have children with little or no thought about how this world will affect such innocent minds.

How many millions of adults out there resent children for reminding them of innocence lost? Why put a child through the pain of life? Are there joys in this life? Of course. There are joys and there are purposes to accomplish. But that doesn’t mean each child is prepared to face a world that curses and spits on anything resembling innocence.

I am doing the same thing my parents did to me. I am bringing life into this world without its consent. God, please forgive me for all the pain and suffering this child will know. Please allow him or her to live a life without the demented perspective I grew up with.

I want something better for my children. I want them to have what I didn’t have. I want them to feel connected to and loved by their parents. I want them to have a good life and expect good things from the choices they make. Give them lvies I would covet. That is my prayer.

My wife and I were sitting on the bed, on a July 4th afternoon, discussing the progress and changes in our relationship. While my parents could have been described as stagnant and unchanging for the most memorable years of my childhood, my life since the wedding has been nothing less than busy and constantly in flux.

As we talked, I shared my concerns (again) that she is working full-time during her pregnancy. If you’re one of those people who believes that it’s completely normal for a woman to work through her pregnancy and after her baby is born, don’t preach at me. I love my wife, and it is my goal to provide enough income so that she doesn’t have to work. Some women want to work. But some women convince themselves that they want to work in order to have a positive attitude because they HAVE to work. There’s a big difference.

Then there’s that period of uncertainty that comes from never having been pregnant before. She doesn’t actually know how she will feel about work once the baby is born. It’s great to have two incomes because we almost live off of mine now and a good chunk of hers goes toward paying off our house. But it’s not a necessity, and I think she worries way too much about our financial security. It’s a burden that can steal happiness.

So there is this uncertainty. Will she want to be a mother/homemaker type or a mother/business professional type? She’s definitely gifted enough to do well in the business world. I have no doubts about that. She could very easily make more money than I do for the rest of our professional lives (she already does now).

I feel sorry for women who feel that they must work in order for their family to survive. I used to work with women who returned after a month of pregnancy leave to work 40-45 hrs per week only to spend a sizable chunk of their income on daycare. These women often feel guilty for leaving their child with strangers, but they feel that they must shoulder the financial burden alongside their husbands.

Young couples face this scenario more often than others. Nine times out of ten, a young professional makes less than a seasoned professional. Sometimes, you must rely on two people’s income to pay the bills. But if you fit that description, I would challenge you to consider two things:

1. If you have spent money / credit on new cars, premium electronics, nice restaurants, and expensive clothes, you must change your lifestyle in order to reverse your financial situation. You can’t get ahead on one income if you spend yourself into debt.

2. If you are both going to work to pay the bills, consider working fitting continuing education into your schedule. Whether it’s a working internship, college classes, or self-motivated research, do something to elevate your skillset. Soon enough, you will increase your earning power.

Any woman who reads that title will likely scoff at me and think me selfish for even thinking about how difficult pregnancy is on the male partner. I have been married for three and a half years. It has never been easy. I have often gone out to a movie during a fight just to feel safe and taken care of.

Pregnancy isn’t what I expected. I thought my wife might become constantly irrational and moody and eat everything in sight. Instead, she has had more than her share of vomiting. She is rational 85% of the time. And 15% of the time, she bites my head off or howls at the moon (practically). She’s actually rather composed for a pregnant woman. All she wants is to lay out and get some sun to feel better. Damn this rain! I don’t mind it, but it’s driving her mad. I’m literally wondering if she’s going to attack me when she gets that upset.

Why can’t it stay sunny for two days? That would be more than enough to help her cheer up. Or even every other day would be awesome.

Oh, there’s lots more than weather issues. She hates spending money. She wants to save/invest it all. I want to have an easy life, so I want to go out to eat and do whatever it takes to make her feel better (massages, chiropractor, nails, hair, clothes, whatever). I’m desperate for her to feel good.

Did I mention that I worry about how our baby is affected by all the doom and gloom? I am. I feel certain that my life began with powerfully negative emotions based on the emotional status of my mother. I could be wrong. Obviously, I can’t go back in time to find out. But my child is growing inside her, and is obviously affected by her outlook on life. I will do practically anything for both wife and child to enjoy this precious time of intimate growth.

And I am more than open to suggestions.