We’ve all heard the phrase, “fight or flight” regarding a person’s instinctual response to crisis. In the workplace, I find the same opportunity of choice, only fight and flight are not always the best options to choose from.

I’ve been an employee at the new job for a few months now. I can’t say that I’ve fit in perfectly. As a matter of fact, I’ve been shocked almost daily by how odd it is that I don’t just fit right in. This isn’t entirely my fault, of course. When I arrived, I was given the spiel on what this company is all about. Then I observed the individual employees. Almost no one’s vision coincided with anyone else’s. Read More…

So many things are going right for me and my family. I’m blessed beyond my expectations. You wouldn’t believe how God has met some of my deepest needs lately. I’m not even sure that the reality of it all has registered in my head yet. Still kinda reeling from the shock.

And yet, I still crave comfort. Without getting overly analytical (okay, who am I kidding? overly analytical is my job), it would seem that more money and updated gadgets and lost pet found still don’t somehow amount to comforting me on the inside. I feel more snuggled and surrounded by comfort on the outside, which is really nice, but it makes the lack of inner comfort all the more obvious.

Before God pulled the trigger on a major blessing in my life in November, he made sure that someone told me to be still and know that he is God. The point was that I had been frantically flailing around because I didn’t trust him to take care of me. I felt that the only way my life was going to improve was if I made it happen.

For several days, I woke up each morning and, after I was awake and alert, purposefully spent a few minutes being still and just acknowledging in my heart and mind that he is God. It is an exercise of remembrance and exercising faith. It’s not easy at all. My instinct was to feel frantic and focus on my problems. I’m no expert at it now, but God did answer my biggest prayers quickly.

Like I said, I’m no expert, but I learned to try something and learned something about God. He’s not so horrible as some of us think. He doesn’t require us to bend over backward in order to earn some little crumb off of his table. All he asked of me was that I practice something I still need to grow in, and he blessed and rewarded me for choosing to take the time to do something imperfectly.

There’s a lesson in there somewhere. Somewhere along the way, I hope God plans to comfort me in such a way that I don’t need food or sugar or gadgets or popularity in order to feel comforted.

I shouldn’t say that this happens 100% of the time. That would be unfair. But my experience and the testimony of many believers around me tells me that greater promotion is often precluded by greater hardship.

Hardship. I like that word. It has a nice, solid sound to it. And somehow more easily swallowed. Hardship defines my life right now. Let’s take a quick look at what’s happened to me and my family:

1. A very close relative has a miscarriage 3-4 months into the pregnancy.

2. That same relative is admitted into rehab for alcoholism.

3. I get fired for no good reason and I’m falsely accused. My wife is 4 weeks from first baby’s birth at this time.

4. A couple days after I get fired, my car won’t start. I have to take it in and it takes two days to get it fixed.

5. I started an intense dietary cleanse the same day I was fired (before I knew I was losing my job) and haven’t had comfort food or a decent tasting meal in two weeks.

6. Our cat disappears. My wife and I are so emotionally attached to this cat, and my wife feels like God is picking on her.

7. Despite some job interviews lined up, I have no solid job offers and I’m now three weeks away from the birth of my child.

Picture all of that happening within one month. I know there are plenty of you out there who have suffered worse. I’m not here to compete for the biggest pity prize. But that has been a lot of stress and pain and worry.

We have received so many words of encouragement from friends at church. At least 6 people have told us that they sensed promotion was coming. That’s not something you say foolishly or quickly to a person who lost their job. These people had reason to believe that was true.

I can accept it in theory. God wants to promote me, but to promote me means to ensure that I am able to handle the responsibility. I wish there were a few magic prayers that I could say right now, but there aren’t. I want to learn my lessons quickly so that God can stop allowing all this crap to go on.

To whom much is given, much is required. I know this. I have always expected this to be true. I have no grand illusions about the greatness of my character. I am weak. I am weak and I rely too heavily upon comfort foods and television to get me through each week.

I am giving to the community, however. I am ministering to people in need after church on Sunday. I am loving my wife the best way I know how. I comforted my cat when he was wounded.

What does a person like me need to learn or experience in order to pass the test? I wish I knew. Perhaps I do. God, give me confidence in You and birth in me the trust and dependence upon you that I need to walk in daily.

The saga continues…

I’m sick of hearing about other people’s “pursuit of God”. I want them to pursue Him. I just wonder if anyone is really pursuing Him more than me. Honestly, I’m not doing much. I’m no prayer warrior. I don’t read the Bible every day. I don’t have “quiet time” with him every day.

It’s true. I don’t. In theory, I SHOULD. But I don’t. So can you get over it? I want what God has for me, but I am still in that stage of being convinced that He actually has something for me. Looking at the big picture, I get it. But that day to day real life…. yeah…. that’s a killer.

I don’t usually want to be still and quiet and listen for God’s voice. I’m IN PAIN. I’m scared. I’m hurting. I’m hiding. I go to work, go to the gym, come home, watch television, and go to bed. That is how most of my days look. I’m just not that exciting. My life is not action packed (though I suppose it is about to be when our wonderful baby is born!).

To everyone around me, I’m just a normal guy who doesn’t act very “normal.” I laugh loud and unrestricted sometimes. That makes me feel vulnerable. Why am I writing this? Just following the flow.

My “walk with God” or my “pursuit of God” is more like me flailing blindly and asking God to keep me from falling off a cliff. Yeah… that sounds about right. Me… flailing….

I am the flailing one. That is my “pursuit.” I’m so spiritual.

As a bachelor (a word I never actually used to describe myself, but it’s the most accurate choice for that time period), I only appreciated the extremes. I was hopped up on a case of Dr. Pepper and a pack of cigarettes every day. I hadn’t been treated for anything yet, so I was ADD to the max and completely unconvinced that I would ever accomplish anything. When you have a history of failure, you can only draw from that to inform yourself what you can expect from the future.

I wanted a major accomplishment without working for it. I wanted to leap into full-time ministry (and one where I would be in the spotlight) even though I had no character worth mentioning. I hated hearing stories from older and wiser people about how important developing character was because that meant I would have to be patient and actually live a somewhat normal life.

I am 30 now, finally at that age where I believe I deserve respect as a man. During my twenties, I acted like a boy 80% of the time and a man the other 20%. I felt discriminated against because I was in my twenties. I was the product of my environment. Most guys I saw in their 20s acted like teenagers. None of them were particularly successful in business. Too many of them were still working podunk jobs for small pay. They weren’t providers. They weren’t strong fathers. They were doing what they want and their families were along for the ride.

I want do follow my dreams. I want to do what I love to do. But there is a difference between impulsive passions and more legitimate lifelong passions. Writing is something I have enjoyed and found pleasure in since I was seventeen years old. Starting Random Business X because I see a possibility of profitability is an impulsive desire, and one which, like many of my blogs, will probably flop. Having ideas of things that have potential to be something special is not the same as wanting something or desiring to be a part of something special.

It’s those simple things. Writing. Singing. Talking. Holding my wife. Watching the expressions change on her face. Seeing a person’s expression change from stoic to vulnerable when they receive a deeply meaningful prophetic word from God. Taking someone else’s muddled and confusing conversation and rephrasing it for them so that two people can understand each other. Being God’s

These things bring me joy.