Last night I had another bad fight with my wife. And when I say fight, I mean argument with yelling and saying things I always regret. This time, she was just trying to express how uncomfortable she is with the harsh bitterness that has been congealing on my insides. Some bad experiences at work left me feeling completely misunderstood, unjustly judged, and full of bitter resentment.
Rather than washing my hands of the whole affair and quitting, I stayed because it is an easy job and I still like a couple of the people I work with. I should have chosen to monitor my attitude if I was going to stay. As it is, I have contributed to this festering sore within our company. Three of us go to lunch everyday and bitch and moan about how stupid or incompetent somebody else in the company is. It is a horrible though effective way to bond.
Through my poor choices, I have become more bitter and judgmental. My wife hears all my stories and complaints. I feel justified in saying these things because of how these people have wronged me. But I am not happy. I had chained myself to this company through my bitter root of unforgiveness. And that’s not what I want. I want to be free of this place.
For me, the hardest part about working for a small start up is the attachment and dependence that can develop. I have old friends I don’t see very much, yet I act like my coworkers opinions are more important than anyone else’s.
Last night, I threw the remote control across the room and broke it. It wasn’t until afterwards that I realized how her words exposed how ashamed I am of my behavior and how helpless I feel to change.
We talked it out. We cried together. I put my hand on her belly and apologized to our baby for the hurtful things I said and for the way I caused mommy to hurt so bad. It kills me to think that my baby experiences fear, insecurity, rejection, and abandonment when I get angry and lose control. Not to mention how it feels to know that I willingly verbally abuse my precious wife - my partner for life.
She is so precious, and I fail to see that during conflict. I am cruel and vicious. Whenever I have felt abandoned, attacked, or rejected, all bets are off.
My attitude must change. I must adapt and return to a positive, well-wishing mentality. My coworkers/friends who have been my partners in crime may reject me when I choose not to be bitter. That will cause friction. They won’t understand. They’ll think I suddenly think I am better than them. They will judge me too. That’s the problem with bitterness. The only people safe are the ones who play the same game.
I was me before this job and before these people. These people are important to me. I care about them. But they will not determine my life. They’ll go their own ways and so will I.
Be true to your self, your spouse, your family, and your faith. We’ll all be okay as long as we push through the hard times.
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