Listening to Sarah McLachlan. So soft and haunting. Reminds me of all the darkest moments in my life. When I couldn’t escape from the pain of my life, and didn’t want to.

There was a time when it felt better to hold rejection and betrayal close to my heart, so it could simmer like a steady fire. Everyone handles loss differently. Me? I chose to never lose again. I chose to never trust. Each person was useful only until they weren’t. Tools.

I still got hurt. Over and over, actually. But that deepest hurt was reserved for the first time. The one time I was caught off guard.

Yeah, sure, I intended this site to be a place of hope and encouragement. But how can I encourage you when I am not encouraged? Sarah sings my song. I remember the night. The empty. The comforting glow of headlights passing along the road. Pale lights in office buildings. The faint blue glow inside apartment leasing offices. The solitary yellow hue of a solitary street lamp.

Those were mine. My moments. Faint glowing lights swallowed up in the empty darkness. No sounds of life to be found. Just the severe sense of abandonment that can only come when a busy day is gone and everyone has gone their separate ways. The moment between was and is. The sense of nothing. Just a faint glow. Enough to see how empty the street really is. Enough to see that the house holds no one. They have all moved on. Or gone to sleep. Despite your best efforts. You are alone.

Those were my moments. I walked empty streets at night. Accompanied by the occasional police officer who would check my ID so he could question me later if anything went wrong. All I did was walk. Walk and walk and walk. Where would I go? I would visit places that had a meaning once. I would visit them so I could feel the ache of NOT being there at the right time. So I could touch the sense of “never again.” I relished the ache. It was a strange pleasure. Knowing that once upon a time, something meaningful happened right here. Something I desperately wish I could relive, but never will. And that sense of loss was the greatest comfort. It proved that reality was real. That wishes don’t come true because you wish them. That choices have consequences. That you can’t undo what you’ve done. And that you should take advantage of the next moment when given the chance.

It will never happen again. Not the same. Not this way.

I’m watching The Brave One, starring Jodie Foster. It’s affecting me in a strange way. Makes me want to write. To admit an awareness of the harsher side of life.

People hurt people. It makes me sick. I heard a man betray his wife’s confidence today. They had a disagreement over the phone. She said something that didn’t make sense to him. So he repeated her words in front of a group of people he knows. He mocked his own wife in front of others. He did not honor her in public. He did not cherish her.

Poor woman. She was ridiculed in front of his acquaintances. I felt sick. He violated the most sacred bonds between to people. He chose to look good (or try to) in front of others rather than to protect her.

Some will not see the issue. I pity them. It’s only when you hold something so dear to your heart you guard it jealously that you have anything to live for.

This is one of those rare moments when my wife and baby girl are both asleep. It’s Friday night. Dallas Green is singing loudly through my earbuds. His voice is heaven. My heart sighs a little… feels better knowing that someone can sing my pain, my heartache, my sorrow. Someone gives my heart expression when I can’t. This is the time of the week I used to cherish most. It is the time furthest away from having to go to work. It feels somehow more free than the rest of the week. Here are a few lines from my favorite Dallas Green (City and Colour) song:

“So let’s face it. This was never what you wanted.But I know it’s fun to pretend.Now blank stares and empty threats, are all i have. So drown me, if you can. Or we could just have conversation.I fall, i fall, i fall down. But I find you before I drift away. Now you still speak of day old hate,Though your whole world has gone up into flamesAnd isn’t it great to find that you’re really worth nothing,And how safe it is to feel safe.”

Something about those words answer a deep something. I first heard those words, and deep inside I felt a sigh of relief, as though to say finally someone understands me. Really good lyrics do that. They express what we ache to express but haven’t figured out how. It’s how we feel safe. It’s how we know we’re not alone. Other people read.

It’s easy to blog myself into pointlessness. Easy to forget who I am, where I come from, or why I do what I do.

I think about the me before the big professional push. The me that wrote prose and poetry. The me that was deeply moody, confrontational, and arrogant. I was unpleasant in many ways. But I was me. I felt what I felt. I didn’t pretend. I refused to acquiesce to political correctness.

I was harder to deal with. My girlfriend (now wife) was constantly arguing with me. I was right and everyone else just failed to appreciate the greatness that I had the potential to become.

Is that what this is? Is this the becoming? Is this me becoming great? Because it feels like the opposite. This is me becoming irrelevant. This is me selling my soul. This is me forgetting who I am, and why I care about making a name for myself in an industry I don’t love.

Answer? Because this is the industry I’m in… and because I want desperately to fit in. More terrifying than working for an industry I don’t love is living a life of complete insignificance. How anyone does it, I don’t know.

I find more satisfaction from writing in my journal than in all the blogs I contribute to on a weekly basis. But still I come back for more. Why? Because if it doesn’t happen in public, it doesn’t count. Those are words that will haunt me some day if I don’t somehow change my belief. That statement in italics does NOT agree with Scripture, where Jesus said that anything we do good in secret will be rewarded in heaven. Of course, that statement only affects how you will live tomorrow if you have a sound revelation of heaven’s reality.

I take the position that at some points in life, you can’t force yourself to believe or to understand certain truths. So I decide that only God in his infinite wisdom and perfect timing will reintroduce ____ truth to me at a later date when whatever was necessary has taken place so that I could then accept and believe that truth. It removes a burden of responsibility from my shoulders that rendered me powerless before. So I am free to say that right now I believe that I set up my own future success by prominently displaying my name and abilities. If I come to learn a different truth in the future, I will recant this statement and hopefully be better off for it. In the meantime, I can either feel guilty for obviously not believing the truth, or I can extend myself some grace and allow myself to be human and to grow naturally.

That looks like rambling now. Time to close.