I’m sick of hearing about other people’s “pursuit of God”. I want them to pursue Him. I just wonder if anyone is really pursuing Him more than me. Honestly, I’m not doing much. I’m no prayer warrior. I don’t read the Bible every day. I don’t have “quiet time” with him every day.
It’s true. I don’t. In theory, I SHOULD. But I don’t. So can you get over it? I want what God has for me, but I am still in that stage of being convinced that He actually has something for me. Looking at the big picture, I get it. But that day to day real life…. yeah…. that’s a killer.
I don’t usually want to be still and quiet and listen for God’s voice. I’m IN PAIN. I’m scared. I’m hurting. I’m hiding. I go to work, go to the gym, come home, watch television, and go to bed. That is how most of my days look. I’m just not that exciting. My life is not action packed (though I suppose it is about to be when our wonderful baby is born!).
To everyone around me, I’m just a normal guy who doesn’t act very “normal.” I laugh loud and unrestricted sometimes. That makes me feel vulnerable. Why am I writing this? Just following the flow.
My “walk with God” or my “pursuit of God” is more like me flailing blindly and asking God to keep me from falling off a cliff. Yeah… that sounds about right. Me… flailing….
I am the flailing one. That is my “pursuit.” I’m so spiritual.
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As a bachelor (a word I never actually used to describe myself, but it’s the most accurate choice for that time period), I only appreciated the extremes. I was hopped up on a case of Dr. Pepper and a pack of cigarettes every day. I hadn’t been treated for anything yet, so I was ADD to the max and completely unconvinced that I would ever accomplish anything. When you have a history of failure, you can only draw from that to inform yourself what you can expect from the future.
I wanted a major accomplishment without working for it. I wanted to leap into full-time ministry (and one where I would be in the spotlight) even though I had no character worth mentioning. I hated hearing stories from older and wiser people about how important developing character was because that meant I would have to be patient and actually live a somewhat normal life.
I am 30 now, finally at that age where I believe I deserve respect as a man. During my twenties, I acted like a boy 80% of the time and a man the other 20%. I felt discriminated against because I was in my twenties. I was the product of my environment. Most guys I saw in their 20s acted like teenagers. None of them were particularly successful in business. Too many of them were still working podunk jobs for small pay. They weren’t providers. They weren’t strong fathers. They were doing what they want and their families were along for the ride.
I want do follow my dreams. I want to do what I love to do. But there is a difference between impulsive passions and more legitimate lifelong passions. Writing is something I have enjoyed and found pleasure in since I was seventeen years old. Starting Random Business X because I see a possibility of profitability is an impulsive desire, and one which, like many of my blogs, will probably flop. Having ideas of things that have potential to be something special is not the same as wanting something or desiring to be a part of something special.
It’s those simple things. Writing. Singing. Talking. Holding my wife. Watching the expressions change on her face. Seeing a person’s expression change from stoic to vulnerable when they receive a deeply meaningful prophetic word from God. Taking someone else’s muddled and confusing conversation and rephrasing it for them so that two people can understand each other. Being God’s
These things bring me joy.
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