That message has been passed down to me several times over the past twelve years. I usually hear those words when decisions have to be made or plans have been disrupted or I’m just restless for having spent too much time in an uncomfortable situation.

Be still and know that I am God.

It’s such a short sentence, yet a statement I’ve found hard to swallow. He’s telling me to be still and to allow the revelation of his position, identity, and greatness to roll over me. But he always tells me to do this when I want to be active, when I want to jump and solve a problem, or when I think I can bear no more.

How long can you be still? Seriously. If you try, you will no doubt let your mind begin to wander to prevent boredom. You’ll think about girls, gadgets, tv shows, movies, blogs, work, conversations, embarrassing moments, dreams, etc. You will instinctively attempt to avoid boredom unless you force yourself not to. “Wandering” is a perfect description for what our minds do when we’re still.

In order be still and know that he is God, I have to be still yet remain focused. Perhaps someday I will learn to rest in that stillness with some realization of his Godhood, but for now I must focus my mind on his attributes, his word, and his history. Call it a mental pep talk. Call it renewing your mind. Call it brainwashing. I don’t care. But repetitive rehearsal of what you know about God, what you have experienced with God, and what the Bible says about God are the ways which you overcome doubt.

There is a reason why Moses charged the children of Israel so vehemently to actively remember all the things God had done and said. They were to rehearse them in their minds, to teach them to their children, and to live lives of continual remembrance. We easily forget his goodness if we do not focus on him. Whatever we focus our attentions upon takes on the most power and relevance in our lives. This is why circumstances so easily overwhelm us. We spend so much time thinking about our problems that we give them the most power and relevance in our lives.

Now, before our day begins, let’s take a few moments to be still and know that he is God.

It’s the question I keep asking myself over and over again these past few days. As the job hunt continues, I keep feeling this check in my spirit. I feel the need to ask myself: do I really trust God? The answer is decidedly no.

I want to find the balance between personal responsibility and resting in his arms. I could go to one extreme or the other. I could stop looking for a job and stop pushing forward and simply lean on him and expect him to meet my needs. I could also keep pushing as hard as possible until someone offers me a position. But neither of those options feels right to me. There is a balance in the middle.

I close my eyes, time after time, and ask myself: “Am I leaning on God? Am I resting all my weight on him?” The answer is no. He told me to renew my mind, and what have I done? I’ve practically lived on job posting websites, trying to force the next thing. It works for some, but not for me.

God has told me over and over again that he has a plan. Placing my whole family in his hands and trusting him to provide has been hard. I fear that he won’t have the same priorities as me. That he will want me to go through poverty to learn some lesson first. You know how it is. Whenever something bad happens, you automatically find yourself wondering how God could let that happen and why. You doubt whether he is truly good, and if his version of goodness matches your definition.

It’s proving ground time. God wants my heart. This is what I tell myself. He wants my heart, and he wants my trust. He wants my confidence. That point where everything else fades into the background and my eyes gaze and focus on him. In that place, where I see him and trust him completely, I am free. When I get there, that is.

As I mentioned previously, some really tough stuff has happened to me and my family recently. But through it all, God has given us one and only one directive: trust in me.

It sounds so cliche. Everyone knows the passage that says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths.” It is so simple a concept, but one I hadn’t been following. When 7 out of 10 people who give you counsel tell you that they have a sense from the Lord that he is bringing promotion, you don’t ignore that. They could just as easily have said that life is hard and that God is just building character in me, which is also true. But they saw a purpose in this specifically, and reassured me saying that God loves to bring justice to his children who are treated unjustly.

Since my last post, my cat was found. My car was fixed easily. I have had three excellent job interviews and have at least one more scheduled - and each of these positions pays well. And the truth is that I don’t have to push or strain. God is leading this. He’s given me favor and will lead me to the right job.

In the meantime, I am spending time with my family and enjoying this season of my life. God is good. No man gets credit for this, just Him.

I shouldn’t say that this happens 100% of the time. That would be unfair. But my experience and the testimony of many believers around me tells me that greater promotion is often precluded by greater hardship.

Hardship. I like that word. It has a nice, solid sound to it. And somehow more easily swallowed. Hardship defines my life right now. Let’s take a quick look at what’s happened to me and my family:

1. A very close relative has a miscarriage 3-4 months into the pregnancy.

2. That same relative is admitted into rehab for alcoholism.

3. I get fired for no good reason and I’m falsely accused. My wife is 4 weeks from first baby’s birth at this time.

4. A couple days after I get fired, my car won’t start. I have to take it in and it takes two days to get it fixed.

5. I started an intense dietary cleanse the same day I was fired (before I knew I was losing my job) and haven’t had comfort food or a decent tasting meal in two weeks.

6. Our cat disappears. My wife and I are so emotionally attached to this cat, and my wife feels like God is picking on her.

7. Despite some job interviews lined up, I have no solid job offers and I’m now three weeks away from the birth of my child.

Picture all of that happening within one month. I know there are plenty of you out there who have suffered worse. I’m not here to compete for the biggest pity prize. But that has been a lot of stress and pain and worry.

We have received so many words of encouragement from friends at church. At least 6 people have told us that they sensed promotion was coming. That’s not something you say foolishly or quickly to a person who lost their job. These people had reason to believe that was true.

I can accept it in theory. God wants to promote me, but to promote me means to ensure that I am able to handle the responsibility. I wish there were a few magic prayers that I could say right now, but there aren’t. I want to learn my lessons quickly so that God can stop allowing all this crap to go on.

To whom much is given, much is required. I know this. I have always expected this to be true. I have no grand illusions about the greatness of my character. I am weak. I am weak and I rely too heavily upon comfort foods and television to get me through each week.

I am giving to the community, however. I am ministering to people in need after church on Sunday. I am loving my wife the best way I know how. I comforted my cat when he was wounded.

What does a person like me need to learn or experience in order to pass the test? I wish I knew. Perhaps I do. God, give me confidence in You and birth in me the trust and dependence upon you that I need to walk in daily.

The saga continues…

Something happened recently to our family that was a major injustice. I was accused of something that was not true so that my boss could fire me. He had given me a significant raise that kicked in just four days prior, and had promised me some other stuff as well.

In the time since, I have received multiple prophetic words from people at my church that God had allowed this to happen and that this was the start of a promotion. Two older men in my church whom I respect told me that they have been terminated from multiple jobs over the years, and each termination resulted in a promotion. The next job was usually more money and more authority and sometimes even more satisfying.

I heard all these people rallying around our family. I heard their encouragements. And I was very encouraged. But then my first interview came, and it was like I lost my footing. The interview seemed to go well from the interviewer’s perspective. I was mildly interested in the job and the company, but the job would pay the bills. So if that were my only option, I would take it.

But these prophetic words I’ve gotten have told me to search my heart and to pursue the desires of my heart. That is a hard thing to hear. How do I pursue the desires of my heart? I need to pay my bills! I can’t go off and start writing a book. I don’t even feel the desire for that anymore. I can’t just expect to walk around and give people prophetic words and through that support my family. I need a strategy. And even if the Lord wants me to trust him and walk by faith, I need a STRONG word from him that I know I can trust.

All the encouraging words and prophetic statements in the world don’t seem to substitute for actually hearing God’s voice for yourself. Even the internal whisper is preferable to a dozen encouraging words. Just speak to me, Lord, and show me what you want from me. Tell me what you want me to do. Tell me what you want from me right now. How should I live? How should I spend my time?

It’s not enough to sit around and wait. I’ve done that for years before, and got nothing in return. Even with real doubts, I want to trust God’s plan more than my own. So the first step is to hear his plan, or at least the next step of the plan.

Real men have doubts. Don’t let that shipwreck your faith. We all doubt. But a mustard seed of faith is so small, it sometimes says, “God, I know that you CAN, but I don’t know if you WILL… Have mercy on me!”