This isn’t one of those fond memory pieces. I’m not planning on overloading you with old times. Far from it.
I was writing a different post for this blog when these thoughts started to flow. I remembered playing with the kids at the daycare. I remember how the boys tried to test their strength against me. Of course, they were third and fourth graders, so they didn’t get far. But those thoughts sent me on a whirling path.
I remember being a boy. Right now, I specifically remember the feeling of being overpowered and ignored by adults. They were obviously stronger than me. I couldn’t forcefully get my way. They often didn’t understand me, and wanted something for me that I didn’t want at all.
The word is helpless. I remember that. I remember not having a voice when serious issues were discussed. I remember being treated like a pet by store employees and waiters. I was “cute”, but not a person worth listening to. Not a person worth respecting and considering.
It’s so easy to forget these things. Especially since now I am taller than most people I meet every day. Almost no one can overpower me. Not so then. I had opinions. I knew that things could be done better than they were. But no one would listen. At best, my suggestions were interesting ideas, i.e. “how cute that he has an idea.”
An adult’s greatest challenge may be realizing that little people (i.e. children…. and I guess midgets) are still people. The size of a person does NOT determine their ability to feel or ability to think. Kids are very well developed in understanding. They just haven’t learned the vocabulary yet to put those thoughts and understandings into precise expressions.
But you don’t grow a bigger heart or a more complete sense of justice. You know when you are being mistreated as a child. You know when you have been lied to. You know when you are not taken seriously. And it hurts. It hurts deeply.
We have a responsibility to succeed where maybe our parents and parents’ friends failed. We have the responsibility to respect young people. They don’t become more human with age. If anything, they can seem less human by the time they become us.
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At this exact moment, I think of life as like a coil, or like water spiraling down toward the drain. Before you think I’ve struck depression again, let me explain. I think of that water spiraling down the drain, and I see myself approaching my purpose. I started off VERY far away, with many options and ideas and possibilities. But, alas, there were too many options and possibilities, and I pursued none of them.
Today, in this very moment, just minutes before I throw on a shirt and head to church, I am considering my blogs. I have seven active blogs and three or four inactive ones. I know, that is TOO MANY. I’m sick of several of them. They are an albatross weighing me down. I need to be free. The problem? Several of them will be valuable some day when the value of their domains rises. So I hang on to them, and somehow combat the guilty feelings of neglect. It’s like they’re my children or something and I’m going through that whole self-accusation phase of being a deadbeat dad.
Anyway, maybe this title should have involved purpose instead of life. Whatever. The point is, I’m honing in on my purpose/calling/personal fulfillment and it’s a confusing and painful process. I have some books in my dying to get written! And what exactly is stopping me? I’ll tell you…. It’s….. me. Me and only me. My fear of rejection, of sucking total ass. I hate the thought of putting my heart and soul into writing a book only to find out that it sucks.
The swirling drain is freakin’ crazy. It’s dizzying. I think that I’ve landed on the right deal. Then I realize that it’s only an exercise to hone my skill, or maybe it’s straight up a distraction that I paused for because it fed my pride. Whatever the case, this has been a ride.
I’m finally at the point of letting go of some bad ideas… some points along the swirl. It’s a mad rush of life, from one point to the next, as I point my hands and my whole being toward the center and let the current take me. I’ve been swimming against the current, trying to hold onto points of reference along the way that I wished were the main purpose of my life, only to realize that getting what I was asking for would have been to sell myself way short.
Does this make sense to anyone but me? I don’t know. The whole drain analogy probably sucks. Next time I’ll draw a diagram or something to illustrate so I won’t get stuck with confusing metaphors.
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