There were two job opportunities sitting in front of me months ago. I balked at one and apparently overpriced myself on the other. Both opportunities vanished, leaving me disillusioned, shocked, and bitter.

My attitude at work got worse and worse. I resented the fact that I had to continue working for such a ridiculous organization for such a sub-par rate. Those were my thoughts. I was miserable. I wanted out, and I wanted out yesterday.

It’s now the end of September. I’m still at the same agency. But things are different. God started telling me to renew my mind. I felt it was the perfect time, with my first baby on the way, to take my inner self a little more seriously. Rather than allowing work and traffic and busy schedules to dictate how I think and feel, it was high time to take ownership of how my mind, thoughts, and beliefs develop.

On top of that, I’ll find out by tomorrow whether we’ve landed a new client. If we do, I’ll be changing job descriptions to something more up my alley than what I’ve been doing. I am a writer at heart, of course, but I’m not selling my soul to write marketing copy for random soulless clients.

This is the one opportunity I can imagine in which I could stay with this company and earn a raise and enjoy my professional life more without leaving. I’ve been waiting all week to hear from the prospect. She has to decide by end of month, which is essentially tomorrow. So here I am, having to be patient yet again.

God sure does seem to want me to trust him more than job opportunities. Sheesh!

I just got home from my weekly men’s group. I feel so peaceful. Tonight was my night to share and I unpacked some of my emotional and spiritual junk. The response I received was unparalleled by any other experience in my life. I am encouraged! They identified with my pain and my struggles and they spoke life to me in a way no one has in the past 12 years.

They prayed blessings over me and anointed my head with oil. They prophesied a renewed mind and a protected mind. They shared words of encouragement and words of purpose. I felt at peace in a way I have never felt around men before.

Imagine sharing some of your most embarrassing details with a group of men. Imagine feeling strengthened because they accept you and hold you to a standard of desiring the things of God without holding you to an impossible standard of perfect behavior.

Godly men are a formidable force. And when I say “godly”, I don’t mean mean who are without blemish or who admit to no faults. Godly men are men who are weak and make mistakes and who admit that they make mistakes and they ask God to empower them to love him and love other men as themselves.

Real men are lovers. Real men love people. Real men inspire other men. Real men instill strength in younger men. Real men hold each other accountable because we are stronger as a whole than as individuals.

My wife is very pregnant right now. We’re going through these self-hypnosis exercises to help her mind and body remain calm. Tonight, her restless leg kept her from being able to focus. Yesterday she felt ill after laying on her back for a while. She lay in bed, the frustration building in her face, and I wanted so badly to take away her pain.

Each time she hurts and I see her in this vulnerable position, I look into her eyes and feel the pain of separation. I can’t reach her in that moment. She cannot feel my love. She does not know how much she means to me. She does not feel the amazement I know when I look at her soft cheek and kiss the top of her head.

I am convinced that there is a better way to connect. Perhaps if I deal with some of my issues, I will then exude the connective force needed to let her know. Maybe then she’ll feel safe enough to breathe deep and let go of all the things she clings to for a sense of structure and order in the world.

It’s after 11pm. My wife and I just finished talking. An argument began at 5pm this afternoon. Seriously.

I’m wiped. I have nothing left to say. We have agreed that we need to practice a better method of argument. She and her mom are able to talk through things much more effectively than she and I do. Before you go thinking that it’s because I’m a man, just stop. That’s not it. It’s because we haven’t established the same level of trust.

You’d think that a husband and wife would trust each other if they’re willing to commit their entire lives to each other. Not so. Trust is earned and given carefully. It is easily lost and difficult to regain. Marriage brings out the passionate stuff in our lives that can break a relationship if not handled well. We have not handled most of our arguments well, and we’ve consequently set our relationship on the path of creating a pattern. And patterns are difficult to break.

Luckily, we were both exhausted, and willing to finally cut to the chase. We have further to go, but we’ve taken an important step.

Now if I can only get her to enjoy life enough that the weekend isn’t pressured by the need to be spectacularly significant in order to justify its existence.

I realized that I jumped the gun yet again when it comes to discussing success. Maybe this time, at least, I’m not saying celebrating too soon, but instead celebrating the wrong thing.

I’ve felt so different this past week. Even when my boss and I yelled at each other two Fridays ago, it all worked out. That must have played some small part in this. He finally showed me the respect I’ve been looking for these past 10 months. Maybe I said something to him in a way I’d never said it before. Maybe the light just went on. I don’t know. But he came to his senses and acknowledged what I had been waiting for.

On top of that, my brain has felt different. I feel a clarity in my mind that is brand new. It’s like the sludge was removed and I didn’t even realize it had left. Then there’s my attitude. I’ve been thinking and expecting positive things this past week.

I started telling everyone I knew that this “renewing my mind” thing was really working, until I realized that I hadn’t officially renewed my mind, but rather agreed with the Holy Spirit that such a renewal was needed and would happen. My will came into line with God’s will on the matter, but I can’t say that my mind is so renewed yet.

The only physical thing I have done is avoid Starbucks. I drink coffee brewed at the house or at the office now, and save money and toxins (though I’m not storing the toxins for a rainy day). I’ve cut out a major source of corn syrup and chemicals which cause mood swings, including feelings of euphoria.

Anyhow, the point is that I have not suddenly attained sainthood. This will not make as much sense to you who read this as you who I have spoken to lately. I haven’t sufficiently recorded my goings on lately, mostly because I actually forgot that this blog existed for about a week. That’s what happens when you try to juggle too much.

But I’m back on track, and will try to keep in touch. If you get really bored in between my posts, go to YouTube and search for Lonelygirl15. There are nearly 300 sequential clips that are like a television show parsed in smaller segments. Not sure how entertaining it is, since I’ve only watched a few episodes, but it’s hugely popular nationwide, so I guess it’s worth checking out.

Back soon.