lying here on the sofa after a long day, i closed my eyes and savored the sounds of cooking in the kitchen. as i fall asleep, i think of my childhood, how i used to love hearing noises of adults talking and laughing in the living room as i sat in my room before bed. my parents were strict about bedtimes, so i didn’t dare go out into the living room to see what was going on. but i imagined that they were enjoying all sorts of secret exciting things that only adults know about.
throughout my college years, i was always more comfortable on the edge of a party than in the center. i attribute it to my childhood. but at parties, i felt comforted by the sounds of people talking and laughing nearby. i would stand on the balcony, smoking a cigarette, listening to the trailing voices and imagining all the interesting conversations people were having.
i am still comforted. these are the sounds of comfort.
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i went to bed last night buzzing with nervous tension. i rushed out and bought a suit late last night. being me, i chose to visit Nordstrom as my first store. big mistake.
problem #1: falling in love with the perfect suit.
problem #2: aforementioned perfect suit costs twice as much as i expected to spend.
problem #3: i’m the kind of guy who will buy it anyway.
thank God for my wife. i was about to hand over my credit card when the phone rang. i had debated discussing this with her as i was trying on the magnificent suit in the changing room. i weighed the pros and the cons and decided that this suit was worth the investment if it was going to make me look the part of a man who makes as much as i was asking at the coming interview.
since she called and i hadn’t paid yet, i knew i had to run it by her. i put the very polite salesman on hold for a few minutes and talked to my wife as i paced nervously around the store.
luckily, just hearing the shock in her voice was enough to jar me back to reality. as perfect as that suit was, i found an excellent choice for half the price at Dillards later that night.
so here we are, i have a job interview in a few hours, and i’m less nervous than i was a few hours ago, but not fully recovered. i hate interviews for the simple reason that it feels like my entire life’s worth is being evaluated. i’m sitting there in front of random x and begging on the inside for someone to validate me. it’s not that i won’t feel like a good person if i’m not hired. but to hear someone say “no” is to hear them say (at least in this circumstance) “you’re not worth that kind of money.”
why can’t two people just call me out of the blue and both offer me ridiculous salaries and opportunities?
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how many times have i wished i could make a difference in someone else’s life? how many times have i searched for significance in my own life? i’ve tried and tried, but usually i give up because i know i fall miserably short of the perfect example.
and in other web venues, i’ve wanted to tell my thoughts and experiences, but too many people do background checks online now, and i’m not about to miss out on a job because someone doesn’t like my level of personal disclosure.
so here i am: anonymous and without pretention.
you will no doubt want to comment and share your own experiences once you realize that there is a freedom to be honest here. Your comments and ideas are welcome. This may be one real man, but it represents the voice of all men everywhere, from the burly to the metrosexual to the geek.
All are welcome.
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